


Skin & Bones

by Rox3l



Category: Kingdom Hearts
Genre: Angst, Anorexia, Character Death, M/M, Self Confidence Issues, Self-Destruction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-08-27
Updated: 2013-08-27
Packaged: 2017-12-24 19:41:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,360
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/943891
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Rox3l/pseuds/Rox3l
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Axel swore to himself that if he lost the weight he would tell Roxas how he felt. The problem was, what he saw in the mirror was never good enough...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Skin & Bones

**Author's Note:**

> Rox3l: This is something that I have been thinking about writing for a long time now. It was inspired by the song Skin & Bones by Marianas Trench. They are my top 2nd favorite band and if you get the chance you should go and listen to the song. I have never had or known anyone who suffers from an eating disorder so I hope I got all my facts straight. And if you or someone you know suffers from an eating disorder I urge you desperately to seek help.

~O~

Axel stood in front of the full length mirror that was hanging on the back of the bathroom door. He grimaced. Why was he so ugly? Biting his lip he lifted thin fingers to pinch the small amount of excess skin at his side. Why couldn't he get rid of it? He had cut his diet in half, taking in less then 300 calories a day; he went running every morning and went to the gym every night. Why was he still so fat? Tears of frustration and anger welled in his eyes. He was so disgusting. He hated this fat, ugly person standing in front of him.

Clenching his hands into fists he took in a breath. He was just going to have to try harder. He obviously wasn't working hard enough. Letting the breath out in a controlled burst he went to the other side of the small room and stepped onto the scale. He waited for a moment for the digital reading to flash the number 120.6 at him. Crestfallen, pain erupted in his chest and he stumbled off of the scale. No wonder he was such a fatass...he had gained a pound. The earlier tears came back with a vengeance and cut like hot tails of fire down his cheeks.

He slipped down to the floor and brought his knees to his chest, hugging them to his body. He hated himself. Why was he so weak and pathetic that he couldn't lose this weight? If he was just strong enough to do that he knew he would finally be able to work up the courage to tell his roommate how he really felt about him...but he couldn't do it now. Not when he was this fat and disgusting. Laying his cheek against his knees he stared blankly at his reflection in the mirror.

Five pounds. All he need to lose was that last five pounds and he would be able to tell Roxas that he loved him. Finding his resolve he got to his feet and picked up his clothes, pulling them on before exiting the bathroom. It was late morning and he knew Roxas would be pattering around in the kitchen, making something for them to have for lunch before the two of them headed off to class.

Axel had met Roxas their first day of university; they had been dorm mates, Roxas living in the room across the hall. Roxas had locked himself out of his room first day and they had started talking while the blonde waited for his roommate to get back from class with a key. Axel was pretty much in love with him from that first conversation. But there was no way that Roxas would go for a guy like him. He had been 195 pounds when he had met Roxas, the heaviest he had ever been in his life.

His parents had just gone through a very messy and time consuming divorce which Axel had gotten caught in the middle of. He had felt like a piece of property as both his parents bickered that they each knew what was best for him; neither of them bothering to ask Axel what he wanted. By the end of it he had honestly not given a fuck about who was going to be taking custody of him for the short span of time before he turned 18, he was just glad to be heading to Hollow Bastion U that coming fall.

His grandmother had set up a college fund for him when he was a child, and he had gotten a scholarship for playing basketball. He was looking at four years away at school. He couldn't have been happier. He hated his parents. The stress they had caused him by treating him like a fucking piece of furniture to argue over who got to keep, had made him turn to food to make himself feel better about his life falling part around him. He'd gone off to college by himself that October; packing all of his shit into the black Chevy Malibu that his father had bought for him when he had graduated high school with a 3.9 GPA. He had sped away from his father's new house (courtesy of his air tight prenup) and had never looked back.

And there he had met Roxas. His first meeting of the blonde had left a heavy feeling in the pit of Axel's stomach, like all his insides were trying to tie themselves into knots. That night had been the first time that Axel had forgone eating, making up his mind that if he could lose 80 pounds that he would tell Roxas how he felt. That had been the first step down the terrible path that he had set himself on.

It had been three years since that first meeting, and he still hadn't made it to the 80 pound mark. It was frustrating. No, it was downright infuriating. Padding on bare feet into the kitchen of their on campus apartment Axel plopped down into a chair and frowned at the fight he knew was going to be had over trying to get him to eat whatever it was that Roxas was making. Without fail Roxas turned from the stove with two plates of grilled chicken with bacon set over salad. He happily placed one of the plates down in front of Axel before moving across the table and lowered himself into another chair.

Axel swallowed hard as he watched the small blonde tuck into his meal, first cutting all of the chicken into smaller pieces, then mixing everything together. Axel looked down at his own plate and struggled with himself. He didn't want to be rude and not eat what Roxas had gone out of his way to make for him, but he couldn't stop the nagging voice in the back of his mind that told him that if he ate this then he was weak. It also didn't help his internal dilemma that Roxas hadn't started in on him about needing to eat. Usually when then blond didn't say something that he had said a thousand times before it was because he was tired of saying it. Axel didn't want Roxas to get tired of him…not when he was just five pounds away from his confession.

Axel picked up his fork and speared a couple of leaves of Romaine lettuce and before he could really think about it he shoved them into his mouth. His stomach was in a tight ball as he forced himself to chew and swallow. It was like swallowing sandpaper, and Axel had to reach for a glass of water just to get it all down. He didn't know if he had it in him to force more down his throat, but the small smile Roxas gave him at seeing him eating made Axel want to melt. Taking a silent breath he forked the smallest piece of chicken he could find and placed it in his mouth.

His mind was wailing at him and he felt nauseous as he chewed the poultry. He managed to get it down before his saving grace from eating arrived in the form of Demyx tossing the apartment door open. Roxas started and sent a glare over the divider between the kitchen and living room. Demyx grinned back at him and strode into the house without asking for permission. Axel took the distraction as an opportunity to getting up and spoon his meal into a container (that he would later give to the homeless man that sat on the corner of campus asking for change from the students) and shoved it into the bag that was sitting on the floor.

Roxas turned back to him with a small frown and opened his mouth to say something but Axel hurried through a goodbye, slung his bag over his shoulder and rushed out of the apartment with Demyx. He heard Roxas mutter a goodbye as he closed the door. He felt slightly guilty for brushing Roxas off but he hadn't had it in him to force himself through a whole meal like that. Stepping out of the building he shivered as the late November chill hit him.

For a moment he was lightheaded and thought he might fall over, but Demyx caught him by the elbow and held him steady until he was able to regain himself. When he righted himself Demyx stepped away and they began the six minute walk to their lecture hall. Demyx said nothing about the dizzy spell, Axel having explained those fears away a long time ago telling Demyx and all his friends that he was just anemic. It had relieved and kind of saddened him that he had been able to play everything off so easily and that they all trusted him enough to not lie to them about his health.

Him and Demyx parted ways with a fist pump and a short goodbye before each turning to the respective building they were supposed to be in. Axel rubbed his forehead as he entered the building, his head was hurting a lot more then it usually did, and his bones seemed to be aching, which wasn't uncommon because it often happened when he was outside in cold weather. He walked into the room he was supposed to be in and took his seat, but he really wasn't feeling right. He normally was feeling off, but this was different. He was colder than normal. He had become intolerable of the cold his second year of college (due to his loss of insulating fat), but this was something more.

As he sat in his chair trying to pay attention to the professor's lecture he began to shiver and the ache in his body became more severe. After 20 minutes he just couldn't sit there anymore. His insides hurt and his shivers where getting so intense he was starting to piss off the people sitting around him. Gathering his things he put them back into his bag and excused himself to go home, maybe he was coming down with something, he concluded as he made his way down the stairs of aisle at the side of the room. When his feet hit the level ground he stumbled and fell to his knees. There were black spots in his vision and his head was spinning. A girl in the first row got up and knelt by his side, helping him to his feet. Axel clung to the girl for a moment, and as the spell past he gently released her and thanked her for helping him up.

Without another word he left the lecture, the teacher gave him a look out of the corner of his eye but said nothing. There would be no consequence for Axel missing the class. He was the basketball teams star point guard, and they had a game tonight. Axel hunched against the cold as he exited the building and trudged home. Pulling one of his hands from his black leather gloves he picked at the skin at the side of his mouth. He had had a sore there for what seemed like forever and it didn't seem to be getting any better. Sighing he dropped his hand and put his glove back on as he sighted his building. He was so tired, all he wanted to do was go up to his room and sleep.

He didn't even make it as far as his room. As soon as he entered the apartment he threw himself down on the couch and pasted out.

~O~

Someone was shaking him and he groaned, feeling sluggish as he pried his eyes open and blearily looked up at Roxas. "Whadda wan'?" He mumbled.

"It's almost six, isn't there a game tonight?"

Axel's eyes shot open and he sat up sharply. His body protested violently, but he ignored it. He had to keep his scholarship or he wouldn't be able to stay in school. He forced himself to his feet even though all he wanted to do was fall back sleep and never wake up. He moved jerkily to his room and threw off his clothes, tugging his basketball uniform on. He then turned to see Roxas standing in his doorway with a concerned and thoughtful expression on his face.

"You know, Axel. I've been meaning to say something for a while now, but I didn't know how to bring it up..."

Axel quirked an eyebrow at the blond, then bent down to tie the laces of his black basketball shoes.

"Are you anorexic?" Roxas asked softly.

The redhead stilled and looked up at the blond, a million thoughts flying through his mind, but then he schooled his expression and gave Roxas a grin. "What are you talking about? I've told you before; I'm fine, I'm just anemic."

Roxas clutched at the door frame, "You don't eat anything Axel...And when you do, it's a fight. You're always sick or tired. And you've lost a ton of weight since I have known you..."

Axel stood. "Roxas," he said firmly. "I'm fine."

The blond looked like he didn't believe him and Axel gave a sigh, "Listen, there is something I want to talk to you about." Fuck the five pounds, He thought bitterly. I need to tell him. I need him to know. " Can we talk after the game?"

Hesitantly, Roxas nodded. He then went and grabbed his coat, accompanying the other male out of the apartment and across campus to the gymnasium. It was already full of students from both HBU and Radiant Garden U. Roxas found a seat in the fourth row and settled down to watch the game.

It was the fourth quarter and HBU was trailing behind by one point with two minutes left. Roxas and three quarters of the crowd were on their feet cheering. Demyx knocked the ball away from a blue haired boy on RGU's team and dribbled it down the court. Roxas went wild as he was blocked and he glanced around quickly before he tossed the ball to Axel. The redhead had his brilliant red hair tied back in a pony tail, his long legs taking him to the basket with two members of the other team on him. He jumped and released the ball. It circled the rim a couple of times, while the crowd held it's breath. As it fell into the net Axel hit the floor. The crowd went wild as the buzzer sounded and HBU had won the game. Roxas was jumping up and down until he looked to where Axel had skidded to a halt. He hadn't gotten back up.

Concern filled him and he started to push his way through the people who still had not noticed that Axel might have been hurt. Demyx had noticed, and he came to Axel's side and placed a hand on his shoulder. He then jumped back and screamed, "He's not breathing!"

Roxas shoved his way through people harder, trying to get to where teammates were crowding around the fallen boy. Demyx was screaming for someone to call 911 as a hush fell over the room. Roxas fell to his knees beside his best friend and pulled at his shoulders. Axel did not move. Roxas screamed and tears filled his eyes as he shook the limp body harder. He got no response and he was pulled away by someone and buried his head into their chest. It took a moment before he realized it was Demyx. He clutched at the other boy as his small body shook, muffling screams into the satiny material of Demyx's basketball jersey.

~O~

Axel Lea was pronounced DOA at Hollow Bastian County Hospital at 8:15pm November 13th 2012. He had suffered cardiac arrest due to anorexia and had been dead before he had hit the floor. The school had held a memorial in his honor, a tree and a small stone with Axel's name on it had been dedicated to the school by the basketball team and sat in the courtyard.

Roxas had had to move out of their apartment. He couldn't handle being there knowing Axel was never coming back. A week after his death his father had shown up to pack up Axel's things. Among them he found one of Roxas' dark blue shirts with a letter wrapped in it. The older man had given both to the blonde before finishing gathering up his late son's possessions and leaving.  
Roxas had sat in the kitchen of Demyx's apartment and stared at the letter. Axel's perfect script scrawling out his name on the envelop. With a heavy heart and Demyx sitting across from him for support he reached forward and tore the envelop open, careful not to destroy it anymore then he had to.

__

Roxas,

__

If you are reading this then I never got to tell you that I love you. If you are reading this I'm guessing that I'm dead because I had promised myself that I would only keep this for as long as I didn't tell you in the off chance that something might happen to me. I'm sorry that I never got to tell you how I felt about you, because man, I was crazy about you. Since that first day I met you, when you had locked yourself out of your room and you stood there with this pout and were kicking at your door so I invited you into my room to hang while you waited for your roommate to come back. I fell in love with you that day. But I didn't have the courage to tell you because I was too self conscious about how I looked. That night I told myself that if I could lose 80 pounds I would tell you how I felt. I obviously never made it. I wanted those 80 pounds Roxas, I needed them because I needed you to know how I felt. And now you do, but it's not like it matters. Since, because you are reading this; I'm dead. I'm sorry I killed myself with my promise, I can't begin to apologize for that. But I also can't explain to you how important it had been to me. I really wish I had been a stronger person and had been able to tell you while I was alive.

__

Please don't lose sight of your life over my death. I know you are going to go on and do something great with your life. I want that for you. I want you to go on and be great. Meet someone. I want you to meet someone and be happy, because I know the kind of pain my death is going to cause. I was your best friend, your rock. I was there for you when no one else was, I know the kind of bond we had. I'm sorry that I wasn't stronger for you. If I had been, I probably wouldn't be dead right now and you wouldn't be reading this. I don't know if you are even actually going to see this, but I have to assume that you might because I am sick. I know I'm sick, but I need those 80 pounds. I know I said that I can't explain it to you, but I need them, Roxas. It means so much to me and I don't want to not tell you how I feel anymore. So I am going to try and get there so I can tell you myself that I love you and then I can throw this letter out and you will never have to read it. But if all that doesn't happen, and you are reading this; Just know that I loved you more then I have ever loved anyone. Ever.

__

All my love, Axel.

Roxas clutched the paper in his fists and burst into tears. "Stupid," He hiccuped. "You're so stupid Axel...I fell in love with you that day too...I didn't care what you looked like...I loved you too."

~O~


End file.
